I looked down at my cell phone (which was on silent) right about the time the house phone rang. As the words came out of Michael's mouth, I was reading the message that he had already sent. I could hear that he was fine and he made a point to say so. But just hearing the words "I wrecked my truck on the way to work", sent shivers down my spine and brought back a whole array of feelings that I thought were long gone. The most familiar of those feelings? My being totally alone.
When Michael and I first started dating, and it looked like things were getting serious, my biggest concern was how to avoid your feeling abandoned or left out. I would spend Saturdays hanging out with you, and Sundays with him.....Some Sundays, I would just come to Davids and clean shelves and watch you work....Just so you knew that you had not been replaced. There was one simple fact: you and Michael were my life. It stayed that way for 6 years---which was when Neva was born. Until the day you left, my life revolved around you, Michael, and my girls. I rarely hang out with friends. I don't have any hobbies, really. Ya'll were my hanging out buddies and spending time with ya'll was my hobby. So today, when I faced the fact that, just like you, Michael could leave me....I had a complete and utter breakdown.
I have always obsessed over death, you know that. I don't know why. I know it's weird and I know it's not right or normal. But I've always been this way....Absolutely scared to death that I'm going to lose those that I love so dearly. After you got sick, I came to realize that it doesn't matter how much time I spend dwelling on it---it's out of my hands. And, I was doing alot better. Getting Saved and coming to understand Heaven a little better, helped out too. But this morning scared me back to a dark and scary place. All I kept thinking was "what if?"......I kept picturing my life without Michael. I saw my babies without a daddy, me without my partner and our family minus the backbone. No you. No Michael. I'm all alone with the girls. I couldn't take it. I sat crying as the girls played in the yard. I found myself calling Daddy, looking for some comfort. He was nice and the conversation was pleasant. But, he's not you...I wanted him to be. I wanted to hear your voice, and your reassuring words. But, I was disappointed to have reaffirmed, what I already knew---your shoes cannot be filled. The conversation ended on a positive note, but I cried harder as I hung up. I need you, mama.You always had a way of making it all better.
When Michael got home, we talked about his wreck and hugged repeatedly. He calls it a "fender bender" and down plays it. I look at what could have happened, and it scares me to death. I cried through alot of our conversation. He knew why. He knows all my weird stuff, just like you do. Of course, I have cried the better part of today, so this conversation wasn't much different. (Don't worry, I kept the girls busy all day. I think they had a great day. If they noticed my crying, you couldn't tell it in their reactions. They seemed oblivious.). I think the biggest problem, is I some how took his wreck, and the emotions that followed and mixed them in with the emotions I'm already feeling about you. Bad combo. It was just an all around rough day. Nori still had some yucky symptoms this morning. So, after a day minus church (which I love), minus Sunday lunch (which I love) and plus these old feelings and fears popping back up--I called Ronnie, once again, just looking for some comfort. I was actually alone, in my car, on my way to pick up some supper from Walker's. It was a total slip-up, but I started crying while talking to him. "I just want to talk to her" I said, as I broke down. "I know, Nik", he soothed, "She always knew what to say, didn't she?"....I knew the last thing he needed, was to hear his highly emotional, and slightly psychotic sister crying on the phone, so I changed the subject. I let him know how excited I was about his first game of the season, Friday and told him me and the girls would be there rooting him on....Well, guess what talking about the ball game did? Made me think of you, again. When I hung up the phone, I cried even harder, again. I felt more alone than ever.
Then, I remembered Brother Robby saying, that when you are alone, it's just you and God. I pictured Him as my passenger and talked to Him through my tears on the way home. I know I looked crazy, but I had alot to say. I felt a little better afterwards.
After a day like today, I looked forward to just getting home, eating, and going to bed. Well, the phone rang just after supper. Since you left, the phone rarely rings. I pretty much text with everyone. So, assuming it was someone wanting me to switch phone services, I let Neva answer without me even looking at the caller id. "What's your name?" I heard her ask. "Oh, hey Aunt Sharon! This is Neva."...I was surprised. I talk to your sisters through text sometimes, and occasionally on the phone, but this call was a pleasant surprise. After Neva spilling EVERY detail about EVERYthing that has EVER happened EVER (it actually reminded me of how she used to talk to YOU on the phone....it felt good to hear her like that again), Nori had to have a turn. Finally, I got to talk to her. She needed to ask me a simple question, but the conversation took a turn to some funny things that happened "back in the day" and I found myself giggling and feeling lighter. A lot lighter, actually.
All day today I have been wishing I could talk to you. This is not new, but it was MUCH more intense today. Daddy isn't you, Ronnie isn't you and Sharon isn't you....No one ever will be you. It doesn't make their love any less valuable. In hindsight, it sure was nice to have someone to talk to. But it wasn't until tonight, that I remembered the day me and you talked about my needing your advice and being unable to get it after you were gone. I also remembered the day we laid in your bed crying and you pointed to my heart and said "I'm always right in there". Though these thoughts saddened me in a way, they made me feel so much better. All this made me realize that I don't have to hear your voice to know what you would tell me. In fact, I know exactly what you would tell me:
I cannot control life and death, Mama. I know this. I know I need to calm down and stop wasting time worrying, I will try, Mama. We don't know what tomorrow will bring us, you're right, Mama. We may experience loss or gain. Happiness or sadness. Victory or defeat. Tragedy or triumph. But one thing is certain, today is a blessing, just as yesterday was and tomorrow will be. I know I'm blessed Mama. I know I need to quit being so emotional in front of the girls, I will try harder...You're right, today was just a bad day and tomorrow is a new day.......
Oh, and I know Michael needs to get his head out of
Thank you for asking Sharon to call me. Also, thank "My Passenger" for reminding me that I am not alone, nor will I ever be. I sure enjoyed our ride.
I love you.
Love,
Nikki
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