I'm not going to sugar coat this....the last few days have been rough. Really, really rough. They've been filled with lots of firsts without you. In addition to the firsts, I have missed a couple weeks of church, which always gets me down. I've been listening to the sermons online, which helps, but I enjoy seeing all the church folk and listening to the powerful music. Hopefully things will level out and get back on track next week. Here's a few pictures to catch you up....
Ronnie's had his first ball game of the season. I just kept thinking back to all the Friday games in the past. Usually, I would come to your house, where we would hang out for a while. Then, you would immediately start enticing the girls with promises of concession stand goodies. We would drive to the game, with you facing the back seat the whole way...I would be struggling to get a word in, with you talking to and listening to the girls. Then, usually, we would stop and get some burgers. By the time we were pulling up to the game, you would be antsy...It didn't matter how early we were---you always thought we were going to be late. But, I know you wanted Ronnie to walk out of the field house and see you sitting there. You wanted him to know that he had your support forever and always. The rest of the night was filled with us yelling for the Tornadoes and running back and forth to the bathrooms and concession stand. It was a BLAST!! Well, the other night I felt a hole in my heart without you sitting there with me. A literal blank space in my heart. I missed you SO badly, I can't put it into words. But, when Ronnie walked by, we were there.
I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. We are there for each other through thick and thin, just like you taught us. We might be arguing, but we are there.
GO TORNADOES!!!!!
Neva's birthday has come and gone. It was great and sad. I felt blessed and as though something was missing all at the same time. You've just always been there. Always:
Neva's birth-day
Neva's first birthday party...Remember, it was "Fish" themed...We had fish cut outs that Neva and Noah painted. They were displayed everywhere. We had fried fish to eat, too. You were the life of the party on this day...Of course, we were ALL on the slide that day---except Neva!
Neva's second birthday... It was "luau" themed. We had lots of water activities and another water slide. You helped me cook. We had pork, fried rice, pineapple upside down cake and millionaire pie. I remember that you also showed up with a BEAUTIFUL coconut cake and tried to pass it off as your own. Before the day was over, you admitted that you bought it. Ha! I knew it!
Neva's third birthday. It was supposed to be at the park, but when that fell through at the last minute, we had her "Transformer" party at Shipleys. You were sick, but you held up good. We had pizza, cake and ice cream. It was a great day!
This year, like I told you the other day, we had a movie theater party. I would call it "popcorn" themed. Here are the cupcakes I made her. I was fighting back emotions the whole time, but I only teared up once and Neva never knew. It was not the best party. It was kind of quiet and awkward. BUT, Neva had a good time and it was the easiest party we have ever had.
So easy, in fact, I think we will do it again.
We will DEFINITELY pick a better movie next time. While Neva and the other kids liked it, I did not like this movie at all. Neither did Michael or Nori. It should not be rated PG. It was a little graphic and there were some innuendos that I could have done without. In light of recent events, and Neva's current mindset regarding you and Heaven---this was not the greatest movie choice (zombies, ghosts etc)....It was the ONLY choice, but still not a good one. If I could redo, I would wait as long as I had to until a more appropriate movie came out.
While I was able to put a smile on for my baby and help her to have a good day, it was so hard without you there. It wasn't the greatest turn out, family wise, which made the ache in my heart even worse. I want you here for me...But really, I want you for her and her sisters. They are so missing out without you here.
I know we are so lucky to have three beautiful and healthy daughters that are growing so fast... (TOO fast!)
We also went to cousin Logan's party. There was this BIG ole slide......
But, my girls were here....in the baby pool. They had a great time splashing in that inch of water....and I guess that's all that matters. Family gatherings like this one, where everyone is laughing and talking and having a good time, they always make me think of you and how our gatherings and parties used to be. You had this way of lightening the mood. You could join in any conversation and there was never an awkward moment with you. You were so special, mom. Completely irreplaceable. We were blessed by your presence here, if only for a limited time.
Next came Neva's actual birthday, so we stuck to the tradition.... I let her pick her FAVORITE meal, and we made a cake.
Nori's so sweet.... (sometimes).
Their favorite part is decorating....We had some super sprinkly cupcakes!
Spaghetti and meat balls and strawberry cupcakes with vanilla icing....and LOTS of sprinkles....
This picture kills me. Neva on her new, big girl bike. She looks like a kid. Not a baby. Not a toddler. A big kid. It breaks my heart and makes me proud and super happy all at once.
I made it through her first birthday without you with no major malfunctions. I mean, I was sad....But I also feel very blessed and happy. I guess it all evened out. I longed to talk to you and for you to see her and me and the party and everything......But in my heart I know you saw. I know you did.
Let's see..what else has been happening....
Remember taking the girls to get their ears pierced? Of course you do.
Neva at 4 months... (you were holding the camera)
Nori at 7 months....(you were holding the camera)
Mili at 6 months....(Amber was holding the camera)
It never gets any easier to see your child in unnecessary pain.
She looks beautiful and I am glad we did it...I just wish you had been there like with the other girls. There with me and there for me. I am so fortunate to have Amber that jumped at the opportunity to help me and support me.
Also, I ran into Cookie Moncivais today. She and I have been playing phone tag since you left. She had a little gift for me. Seeing her, your good friend, was hard in itself. BUT, the gift she got me was heart breaking. It's a remembrance bracelet. Each bead, crystal and charm represents something different regarding the loss of you, a cancer fighter. It's absolutely beautiful and I cried upon receiving it. I just kept hugging her over and over, in part because I was thankful for my gift...and also, because she reminds me of you. Not in appearance or even personality. She just reminds me of a different time in life, when you were healthy, happy and here. How special should I feel, that Cookie saw this bracelet and thought of me? I sure do love my bracelet.
Well, mom, I think I've hit the highlights of everything that has been happening. I have been fighting off sadness with all my might. I'm doing pretty good. But I still have days that are not the best. I called Amber Brooks while I was sitting at the cemetery the other day and cried my heart out. I told her that after 6 months, I feel a little embarrassed to still be "poor mouthing" about your passing. But it still hurts so bad. I don't get it. Shouldn't it be a little easier by now? SIX months. SIX. And it hurts as bad worse than if it was yesterday. I miss you SO much I can't hardly stand it sometimes. She listened and told me, there were alot of "firsts" in our future. And with each first, will come a freshening of our heart ache. I know she is right. And once again, I know I am blessed to have Amber's shoulder to cry on, in your absence.
When I type a blog it is straight out of my head, unfiltered. Lots of times, it has to be revised before I let anyone read it...After all, we don't let everyone hear our every thought....When I was glancing back over this letter, I noticed how many times I used the words "blessed", and "fortunate", and "lucky", and "special"....Those words came straight from my heart, without my even realizing it. I know that I think about you and talk about you alot, Mama....That will probably NEVER stop. But I promise, I am very aware of how blessed I am. I thank God every night for my wonderful life that I am so undeserving of. Even on my darkest day, there is light in my heart. This, is the ultimate blessing.
I love you.
Love,
Nikki
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