Five Months

Dear Mama,

When I woke up to the sound of Michael getting ready this morning (around 3am), you popped in my head. This isn't uncommon. But THIS morning I just kept thinking that exactly five months earlier I was saying my last few words to you as you slept. I was preparing for the inevitable. I was watching your breaths get farther and farther apart. I knew what was coming....But I didn't know what was coming after that...........

I've been doing a little better. Actually, compared to some of the days I've had, I have been doing alot better. However, I have to say that it's not my doing. It's because of Neva. I just worry about her so much. She's just been so sad, Mama. I mean, she is a 3 year old, so she has happy moments. She plays. She talks. She sasses. BUT, I know my baby. She has been deeply affected by your leaving. I am just now, after 5 months, realizing just how deeply. The other day, after we went to the movies to see the new Ice Age, she randomly asked "Mommy, after God and the Angels get through making Gammy better in Heaven, can she come back to Laurel Mississippi?" These words stung my heart. I tried to explain that you were never coming back from Heaven, but we WOULD see you again... and we could talk to you anytime we wanted. We may not hear your response, but you are listening. I explained all this and she seemed to be saitsfied with the answer. It was out of nowhere, Mama. We weren't talking about you. I wasn't having a bad day. It was just on her little mind. You seem to be on her mind all the time here lately. After church Sunday, I went to her classroom to get her. That's when her teacher told me that she was having a "sad day" and that she had been talking about you alot. It was in that moment that I knew it wasn't me being paranoid, or over analyzing, or making something out of nothing, like I always do. Someone else saw it. It's there. She's hurting and time seems to be making her pain more intense and her confusion more prevalent. I knew in that moment, as I walked to the car crying, that I have to be better. I HAVE TO BE. So, I have been trying harder than ever.... It's amazing what you can make yourself do for your children. Of course, YOU would know that better than anyone. I've been talking to her, and letting her talk. I've also been trying to do some fun things with her to somewhat distract her. She seems to find comfort in artwork, so we are embracing that. My fridge is covered.  I will rewallpaper the whole house if it will make her feel better. I know it's just going to take time for her to understand.....

On a lighter note, I am maintaining what little bit of weight I lost, but dang, Mili is FIVE months old and I am still sporting my maternity clothes. I don't get it. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard. At this point, my weight just seems to be ONE more thing I can't control. Michael can say "hold the cheese" on his cheeseburger and he will lose 10lbs, I can eat air for a week and I gain weight! So unfair. In addition to trying to lose weight, I have been doing lots of activities with the kids, keeping busy and just trying to take advantage of my very last year with Neva at home. I want to soak up every moment. I also have been working diligently to prepare her cognitively for 5k. I can't believe there's only a year until she starts school. It's so depressing. I wish you were here to help me through all of this. Nori is still throwing her little fits. I would have never tolerated this behavior from Neva. I know that I need to be consistent with my discipline with all three girls, but there's just something about Nori. Everything she does is funny. Perhaps, that is why she is so.....um, what the PC word for "bad"? She's...."strong willed". She just talks like an adult and what she says is so cute. Even when it's not cute, it is cute, because SHE said it with her little bobbing attitudey head and her little lisp. Anyway, I know I need to tighten up on her. We will call it a "work in progress".  And Mili? Wow. She is absolutely precious. She has not been corrupted by the older girls, YET. She melts my heart. They all have given me a reason to keep going and to try harder everyday. I am so very thankful for them.

I went to Walker Memorial to finish up the business with your headstone. I was very shocked at the price. We got exactly what we wanted at an incredible price. Ms. Lisa that works there, spoke so very highly of you. She was so nice and compassionate toward us. She let me cry in her office. She hugged each of us. She walked us through the whole process. Now, we are waiting until everything gets ready. I can't wait to see it. I just hope you like it.

I cleaned all of your stuff out of Ronnie's house the other day. The kids seemed to know, without my saying a word, that this was a hard day for Mommy. Because they behaved very well and even came to your room to "check on me" a couple times. Most everything you owned was a hand-me-down from Ms. Sharon or Tanya or someone. Anyone else may not see much value in the actual clothing. But to ME, each shirt held a memory. Each dress. Each pair of sweatpants. I kept a few things, although it was in me to keep EVERY thing. I kept the shirts that you wore to the hospital the day each girl was born. I kept your cheap lil wedding gown. I kept that pair of raggedy gray jogging pants that you have worn my entire life. I kept that green hoody (the one you wore ALL THE TIME!) that Jamina got you for your birthday. There were a few other things, but most everything I gave to charity. I cried several times throughout that day. The hardest part, was watching the volunteers empty your clothes into a bin as I was backing out of the parking lot. I saw your Greenbay hoody that was 3 sizes too big BEFORE you got sick. I saw the sweater you wore to Nori's last birthday party. I saw the shirt you wore the very last time you and I went to town together. I saw your clothes fall out of the bags and there were strangers already picking through them. I know, I know, that was the point. But, I didn't know that I would be watching them sort through them and take them immediately. It was tough. It's like they were ripping the memories from me. There was part of me that wanted to stop the car and run back in and yell "I changed my mind! I need those clothes! Those are MY Mama's clothes!".....But I drove away fighting the tears and the lump in my throat. I did that for you. Well, for you AND Ronnie. I am hoping that he will find a little peace now that the house doesn't look like it's prepped for your return.

I've never really thought about it a whole lot. But here lately, I have been wondering what it's like in Heaven. I mean, without what I visually recognize as "you", will I know you when I see you? Will you know me? Will it be the way it was? Will we be different? I wish so badly that I was more educated religiously, and I am working on it, but still I am left with my questions for now. I sure do hope you know me and I know you and we pick up where we left off. I googled "heavenly recognition", but I am supposed to be meeting with Br. Robby soon and I'll take his word over google. I find just as much comfort in talking to him, that you used to. He always answers my dumb questions as if they are not ridiculous. He is just an incredible person. That's it. His whole family. Just great people. We're still going to Journey, though we haven't officially joined yet. I love everything about the place. I love the honesty. I love the laid back feel. I love that Michael can come straight from the Donut Shop and not have to worry about his wardrobe. I love the hugs I get. I love that my girls love it. I love that I am moved every Sunday. I love that I cry AND laugh most every sermon. I love that when I am leaving with a tear stained face, noone draws alot of attention to it. I love that prayer is becoming a big part of my life. I love that I am forming a meaningful relationship with God. I love it. I just plain love it. Thank you for taking me there a little over a year ago. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason.

It is true, that nothing could have prepared me for a life without you. I didn't know when I watched my best friend, my mom, take her last breath 5 months ago, that was the easy part. Living without you is a pain, that I previously could not have imagined. Life is never going to be the same as it was before cancer came into my life. Never. And it will certainly never be the same, since you left and no longer dwell here on earth with us. There are hard times ahead. But I know I have to keep moving forward. I have to handle the tough days, and embrace the good days as they come. After all, that's what life is right? A whole bunch of days. Good and bad. I'm just going to take them one at a time and do the best I can.

I know you know, but let me say it anyway....Just because your clothes, your car, and all those material things are no longer here---YOU ARE HERE. You will forever dwell right inside my heart. And don't you ever forget it. You're my best friend and the best Mama I could have ever asked for.

I love you.

Love,

Nikki