Two Years

Dear Mama,




I truly don't know where to begin. You have seemingly missed so much, it's officially too hard to cover it all. I know you didn't actually miss it. But you weren't here. We didn't talk about it. So it feels sometimes, (most of the time) like you are missing it. I guess the biggest development is Baby Maxx, the cutest, sweetest lil thing, ever. She is just precious, Mama. Her skin is so white and her eyes are ocean blue. She smiles her incredible smile all the time and it melts me. She has been sleeping straight through the night since she was a month old! IF she wakes up, it's only once and she goes right on back to sleep. She's been holding her head up since birth and is working on rolling over now, and she wants to sit up so bad she can't stand it! She is smart and beautiful and I can already tell she is silly and funny like the others. She is my little angel.


Mili...Oh, Mili. She is KILLING ME! Actually, I can feel you laughing sometimes at the things I am having to put up with. She takes terrible twos to a whole new level. TANTRUMS! I am truly surprised she has any brain cells left after banging her head on EVERYTHING when she gets mad.... It's weird, because with her, it's all or nothing. Either she is 100% pure sweetness, or a bonafide terror! She's so pretty with her big curly hair and dark eyes. She's very smart. I was trying to get her to count to 5 or 6 on cue the other day and she went to 12! And the way she talks is a cross between really intelligent and unintelligible. She uses big words like "delicious" and "frustrated" but they are so wrapped up in her own foreign language that it's hard to really recognize them. She still sucks her thumb all the time, and you can see it in her sweet crooked smile. She is my heart.


Nori is STUNNING. I mean, I don't know where she gets it. It's just amazing. Her eyes are the most crystal blue and are framed with thick black lashes. Her hair is long, dark and beautifully curly. Just recently, since Maxx was born, she has become somewhat of a caretaker. She has really stepped into her"big sister" role. She gets diapers for me, puts the pacifier in Maxx's mouth or bounces her in her seat if I am cooking or somehow tied up. She is sweet with Mili too. She helps her do everything. And even if Mili hits her, Nori will never hit back. She's sassy but still very shy, and a bit of an introvert. She's unique and a free thinker. But she's funny with the one liners and very quick witted. She insists on styling herself and it's usually pretty quirky choices like a bicycle helmet to town or a long hangy toboggan with her church dress. She doesn't worry too much about what I or anyone else thinks.....and I love it. She is my sweetheart.


And my beautiful little Neva. She has the lightest hair of them all. It is a golden color and compliments her dark blue eyes. She is doing wonderful in school! Her grades are great! And despite being one of the youngest in her class, she is really excelling in every way. She is a total mother hen to the other girls and while this is a huge help to me sometimes, I hate to see her worrying. It reminds me too much of me. She, like Nori will do all sorts of things to help her sisters. But I see on her face that it is out of some sense of duty, like it's her job. She will tell me that I need to burp the baby if I sit her down after a feeding. She will remind me that Maxx will get a tummy ache if I don't. Today, she told me that I shouldn't lay her down flat after she eats, because it might make her sick. She, instead, instructed me to prop her up, or put her in the bouncy. She also gets mad at me when I discipline her sisters. Its written all over her face that these things are eating away at her. So I often remind her to relax and watch tv, or draw a picture or go play and I'll take care of it. It's sweet and admirable and honestly just precious. But it's not a burden I want her to carry at 5 years old. I just know if she starts her worrying and trying to fix everyone now, it is a habit she will form and battle the rest of her life (like me). She lost her first tooth and got her second haircut, ever. She begged for a haircut for the better part of a year. And finally, about a month ago, we agreed. She pointed to where she wanted it, and that's how short it was cut. It's SO cute! We donated 14 inches to locks of love. She is so artistic and now that she can draw AND write, there are little illustrated stories all over the house with the cutest misspelled words. She is hyper and crazy like always and I have to constantly reel her back in. But when she speaks, it is so articulate and with wisdom far beyond her years. She sees things that she shouldn't see. Like, facial expressions and she notices tones in voices. She knows when her dad is tired or when I am down in the dumps without us saying a word. And she tries to make us feel better. She is so incredibly sweet. She is my baby.


I am good. I am having a tough time getting the baby weight off and I have to admit, my self esteem is at an all time low. But I'm on weight watchers and working out and very hopeful to see some results. I'm writing a little bit again and that feels amazing. We are just getting back to church since the baby has been born and I am SO glad. My heart needed it. Michael is still a workaholic. He's gone most of the time and I am alone with the kids. There are days where I am just pulling my hair out and dying for a break and I'll admit it, I get a little resentful. But I know he is working for the greater good of this family. I often remind myself, if he could be here, he would. I still love him with the fire of a 1000 suns, and I don't think he's ready to trade me in yet either. We are doing good amidst all this craziness that we call "life".
I don't see Josh, Amber and the boys as much as I'd like, as, sadly, our Saturday dinners have slowly fizzled out. It's just life, I guess. But we communicate and I keep up with them over the phone and through text. All seems to be well with the Cochran's. I see Ronnie every Saturday and usually talk to him a couple times during the week. He is doing really good. He is enjoying work and keeping busy.



 I talk to the kids about you all the time. I think Neva has a few memories but I am pretty sure Nori only recalls stories she has heard me tell. But I will never let them forget you. Ever. Today, in remembrance of your last day here with us, and your first day in Heaven, we released balloons into the air. Each girl made you some artwork and we tied them to the balloon strings. We hoped the art would make it to you in Heaven. I could just see you getting your gifts and smiling your big beautiful smile as you read what they wrote for you. I miss you, mom. I'm living and moving on with life. But it's just unreal how much I miss you. I thank you for sending me the signs to let me know you're there and watching over us. When the weather was warm, I saw your beauty in the colorful fluttering wings of a butterfly as it seemed to land on each girl's shoulder then linger around me longer than just any butterfly ever would..... I smelled you and felt you in the fragrant autumn wind and as the leaves drifted slowly to the ground with such grace and beauty, and I knew without a doubt you had a hand in it. I saw you in the cold, crisp white flakes of snow as they made their way down like diamonds raining from the sky and painted our surroundings with a white so pure, it had to be from Heaven itself. Last week, I saw you in the bright rays of sunshine peeking from behind dreary gray clouds and shining down like a spotlight in the distance, proving to me that light can always overcome the darkness... Several times I have watched you shoot a star across the sky with such majesty and so moving that my heart skipped a beat. I know you are there. Watching. Waiting. And smiling.


I miss you soooo much it hurts. But I know one day soon, there will be no more pain. No more sadness. And no more fears. We will be together again.


In the mean time, keep looking down. And I'll keep looking up.






I love you Mama. Bushel and a peck, hug around the neck. And ALL of my heart.




Love,




Nikki

Does It Get Any Better?

Perhaps this will happen every year as the anniversary of Mom's passing approaches. And on Christmas. And her birthday. And Easter. And Halloween. And my birthday. And the kid's birthdays. And every other day of any significance at all. Perhaps I will have a mini-breakdown each time. In two days, it will officially be two years since I laid eyes on my mom. And a bit longer since I had a  conversation with her. My heart hurts like it was yesterday, but it feels like a lifetime ago. Healthy or not, I try to block out a lot of the bad stuff that happened in the end. But sometimes, like tonight, it comes flooding into my mind and my heart and I struggle to fight the tears. And ultimately I lose. I've been asked a few times, by folks who have experienced a loss more recent than mine, "does it get any better?".  After almost two years, I just dried the tears on my cheeks, because I made the mistake of looking at some old pictures. I've got to tell ya....I just don't know an honest answer to that question.


There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Not one. But with the distractions that day to day life brings and having 4 kids to keep me running from school to gymnastics to soccer, I don't cry nearly as much as I did in the beginning. Actually, I don't cry that much at all. That sting in my heart is most of the time non existent. Although I have noticed that, still, when I do something for the first time, or first few times, since she has been gone, the sting is alive and well. Like going to David's Grocery. It is the place where I went to see mom most everyday of the week at one point. I don't live close to Davids and since she has been gone my visits have been very few and far between. Going in there absolutely kills me. I love the place like an old friend or a sweet family member. But walking in that door dredges up some tough stuff that sends a debilitating ache right through me. The drive to Taylorsville is another thing. Most every week mom and I (and eventually the kids too) would make that trip. Every tree, house, sign, and anything else along the way is a reminder of all those countless rides to see Papaw and the aunts. I recently made the trip for only the third or fourth time since she has been gone. It was borderline impossible to keep my focus on the road as my mind tried to wander to a brighter day with her in the passenger seat. I know it will make me sound crazy, but sometimes I let myself get there on purpose. I mean, if everything falls into place just so, I get that feeling. That old feeling of her being here and everything being ok. It's kind of like I trick myself into forgetting she is gone. Sometimes, turning down her road can get me there...I can make that turn and if I'm lucky, I forget and all of a sudden I'm about to drive up and see her on the porch. It's a bit of a high that I love to indulge in from time to time. Coming down is fast and hard and torturous. But I get to feel her for just a second, and it's totally worth it. That feeling is getting harder and harder to come by, as her absence is becoming more and more the norm. Ah her absence. It's thick and heavy and deafening. It's too much sometimes. Like the stark silence that makes you hear the maddening and relentless ringing in your ears. Sometimes in my moments of over analytical craze, I wonder if she was ever even here. Did I just imagine this sweet and precious person? Did she really exist? It feels so long since I saw her and really felt her, it's hard to believe that she was ever actually here and was a huge part of my definition in life. That she was here and was my absolute best friend in the world. That we talked several times everyday. That we argued and gave each other the silent treatment and then made up. That we went shopping and giggled and just loved. Was it real? Then I remind myself, no extent of the wildest imagination could create the sheer beauty that was the bond between me and my mom. And there it is, the sting again. The sting, but wrapped in gratitude.


I don't know about you, but I don't want the sting to ever fully go away. To numb my feelings is to remove love from my life. And what is life without love? I want to always remember her. I want to always feel her in my heart, even if it hurts. I want to see in her the beauty that God gives my eyes to fall upon each day. Unfortunately, hanging on to these luxuries will always be accompanied by some amount of pain. The truth is, (and I'm trying to even convince myself of this as I type), it does get better. Things get a little easier. The sting subsides with time and only rears it's ugly head to remind us that we had something really incredible in this life. I assume the triggers for this will lessen more and more as each day passes. The sights, and smells and sounds that bring on vivid daydream type memories will eventually just give us a feeling of warmth and perhaps a twinge of sadness, but ultimately forge a smile on our face because we know how blessed we are to have such precious memories in the first place. If only for a limited amount of time, we had them. I had her.




How much better can it get?