SURPRISE!

Right or wrong, sometimes its easier to just sweep something under the rug, than to hash it all out. That's what I am going to do about my absence from my blog....sweep it under the rug. I have a million excuses for not writing, but not a single one that makes my heart feel better. I feel best when I am right with my God, and venting to you guys on a regular basis. So, rather than list all my excuses, can we just sweep this one and pick up where we left off?








While talking about my new pregnancy to a group of girls at church, I used the word "accident" to describe it. After all, the Neva, Nori and Mili pregnancies were very well planned. This last one, well, it wasn't on purpose. And something that isn't on purpose is an accident, right? My mom used lovingly refer to me and my little brother as accidents.... I didn't get a complex. Well, judging by their facial expressions, I don't think "accident" is a very PC way to describe an up and coming bundle of joy. So, we are going to go with "surprise" from here on out. Much sweeter. Anyway, when I found out, I was very, very happy.....Shocked, to say the least. But very happy. I could not imagine going through a pregnancy and a delivery without my mom. It was definitely a journey. Each day there was an ache or a pain, or new development that I wanted so badly to share with her. Things that no one else really cares to hear about, except your mom. Throughout my pregnancy, the thought of her would just kill me. I made a valiant effort to not even think of her. And even though I said I would not list them, this is one huge reason I did not write to you guys. My beautiful and crazy girls kept me very distracted. And this pregnancy came equipped with it's own load of distractions. I really felt the wear and tear of 4 back to back pregnancies and couldn't help but think that age played a part in it too. I was very scared of what life with four children would be like...As most of you with kids know, a trip to walmart with ONE kid can be trying. Four? How in the world? But with each passing day, I grew excited to rise to the challenge, and meet my beautiful baby.
I could write a novel about my delivery, but I'll cut it short. A couple weeks before my due date, I took Neva to school on a Friday morning after having been up all night with what I assumed was some pretty rough Braxton Hicks. From the school, I went to the donut shop and met Jamina (my sister in law) and she took Mili and Nori. Michael tied up loose ends at the shop and jumped in the car with me to head to the hospital. This would be my second trip to the hospital in a short amount of time. The first time was (kind of) a false alarm. I was contracting and had dilated to 4, which I understand isn't that uncommon for a fourth pregnancy. But I stopped at that point. A couple weeks later, here we were on our way, for what could be, a second false alarm. The monitor revealed I was indeed contracting, but I was still at 4. So, they gave me pain meds and sent me home. About 8 hours of constant and increasing pain later, I was done trying to be tough. This day had been horrible and the pain shot they had given me, three hot baths, nor resting in any position had helped. I was going back for my third false alarm. I arrived at the hospital a second time in one day and immediately found out that I was dilated to 9. After begging and pleading with hospital staff to give me an epidural (Michael often makes fun of my begging for drugs), they agreed. When my pain was at it's peak, tears streaming my face, I repeated several times "I want my Mama. I want my Mama", just like a frightened child. After all, a frightened child is exactly what I felt like. I got my meds, and less than 15 minutes later, I would be pushing. 2 pushes and there she was! My little 8lb 2oz accident surprise! The cutest lil thing I've ever seen. I cried so hard upon seeing her. I wanted to glance over and see my mom with tears in her eyes, caressing my forehead and kissing my cheek. Telling me I did good and she was so proud of me. I wanted us to guess what she weighed and wait in suspense to see who came the closest like we did with the others. But, her usual spot to the side of me was vacant. And this tortured my heart.... My Michael was there, and I wouldn't trade him. But he'll never be able to offer what she did. A mother's love. My sweet mother in law, still limping from her stroke, slowly made her way to my hospital bed. I saw the tears in her eyes as she leaned down and kissed my cheek gently. She wasn't trying to replace anyone. But, having lost her mother early like me, she knew in my heart there was a battle between overwhelming joy, and absolute anguish. I'll never be able to repay her for that one tiny gesture that was so incredibly huge. I was so thankful for her in that moment. Then I held my baby. She was perfect. An angel handpicked by my mom, I was sure of it. She had a smushed nose like Neva. And around her mouth kind of looked like Nori. But that was about all the resemblance I could see. She wasn't dark complected with black hair like the others at birth. She was light complected, with brown hair. A head full. I fed her the natural way right there in the delivery room. She figured it out quickly and that reminded me of Mili, who was born starving just 20 months earlier. I felt mom in that moment. She was in the room. She was in the bright blue eyes of my new baby girl. She was right there in my heart like she promised me she would be.






My hospital stay was amazing like always. SCRMC is THE BEST place to have a baby, hands down. The nurses are pros. The whole staff is incredible and they cater to you like royalty. I wanted to stay, but I so missed my babies. And for that reason, I was eager to get home. It's always intimidating to me, leaving the hospital with a newborn. I don't care how many kids you've had....Now youre going home with an extra. It's scary! Three to four was a huge adjustment. But we did great. And even though I still don't know how to do Wal Mart with four kids, we're adjusting to life as a family of 6 just beautifully. I am now a mother of four. Actually, I think that needs to be capitalized, FOUR. Who has four kids? I mean, really, who does? Me and the Duggar lady. That's about it. But I've got to tell ya, God sure does know better than me. Because the addition of my little surprise, was no accident at all. This is exactly the way it's supposed to be.... Life is beautiful.

The Thing About Marriage

So while I was on hiatus from my blog, Michael and I "celebrated" our 8th wedding anniversary. We shared a cheeseburger and fries in Forrest General Hospital's cafeteria as we visited my mother in law. EIGHT years married. That means we have been together for 11 years and counting. This significant day in our relationship got me thinking about the evolution of the bond between two people.....and just like with anything else, I figured I'd share it with you.

When Michael and I first met he was in 8th grade and I was in 9th. For a very brief amount of time he and I talked on the phone and exchanged letters with one another (this was before texting ruled the world). We walked to class together a few times and shared awkward conversation. But he wore overalls. And had a mustache. So it was destined to fail before it began. About 4 years later we were sitting close to each other at a talent show. I was with a good friend of mine and we were enjoying the show. I knew Michael. And I knew he was sitting close. The weird thing was every time I looked up, he was a little closer. I secretly wondered how he was and who he had become in the years since our brief "encounter". I smiled to myself wondering if his inching down the bleachers was for me, or a mere coincidence. Soon I looked up and he was right there, arms length away. Our eyes met when I looked up and we both greeted each other with surprise as if it was the first time we'd seen each other all night. Although I had seen him immediately. And I know he had seen me as well. We talked about nothing and watched the remaining part of the show together. Then as I was leaving, he asked for my phone number. My heart skipped a beat and I obliged him. I've never really been the Barbie Doll type to have guys pursue me, so to say I was flattered would be an understatement. You couldn't have slapped the smile off of my face as I walked away from my mumbling redneck opposite, clad in overalls and sporting a Burt Reynold's style mustache.

Just over a year later we had made our way through the parties on the weekends, the dressing to the nines every day possible and hitting the fanciest restaurants. We were done catching every new release as it hit the movie theater. We didn't need to kiss through every single private moment anymore. Michael and I were comfortable in our little boyfriend/girlfriend status. So comfortable that we pretty much stayed home on our dates watching movies with my family or his. Hearing about a little Italian place in Hattiesburg, Panino's, I had been nagging Michael to take me there. There was always some reason to not go. Until one day he announced that he had made reservations. I was SO excited! I loved getting dressed up, and missed having an excuse to....But I was and am forever a foodie. So I was crazy excited to try the food. That night, Michael put a beautiful antique looking ring on the right finger on the wrong hand. And unfortunately, I was so nervous I can't tell ya how the food was. But the company was my favorite.

Two years later I walked down a humble aisle in a quaint and sweet ceremony and promised God that Michael and I would stick it out. Through the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the rich and the poor. I kept glancing over at my sweet lil mama sitting on the front row. She never shed a tear that day, and never shed her smile either. Perhaps she was so happy to rid herself of the stress of pulling together even a low scale wedding, or perhaps....just maybe, it was because she felt so confident about the union being formed that day. My only reservation about marrying Michael was the fact that I had to leave her. And she needed me. And I needed her. I have to be honest when I tell you that these things were on my mind as I stated my vows. But what was on my heart was the hope that we could make this thing work and achieve and honor what my parents couldn't......A life long commitment.

That first year was a doozy. What is this "honey moon phase" everyone talks about? We fought nonstop! I spun out of this dirt driveway so many times, I am surprised the dirt cloud ever had time to rest. And Michael threw gravel everywhere as his truck sped away too many times to count. We tore each other down emotionally in those first days, and I secretly wondered if my marital fate would be the same as my parents'. Never having lived with anyone besides my mama and daddy, I had no idea how to adjust to this new life. Neither did he. We were two toddlers hoarding up our toys and refusing to share. We were two adolescents declaring "You can't tell me what to do!", We were two teenagers rebelling against any authority thrown our way. We were two young adults trying our best...and yet needing to try so much harder. Luckily, as with anything, time made us better and stronger.  The second year was SOOOOOO much better. And the third? Well that's the year we decided to start trying for my Nevie. We got the good news just weeks after trying. I made copies of the ultrasound picture and wrote little cards to various members of our family, then I hand delivered them and stood there and watched them read. Mama was the first, of course. And she yelled "woohoo!" with joy and wrapped me in a tight hug. Then she immediately picked up the phone to call the aunts. She was so happy for us. I was excited, but terrified. Terrified about being a good mother, and terrified about losing something special between Michael and I.

Neva's arrival proved that a degree in child development, and experience in the childcare field means nothing when becoming a mother for the first time. I was scared and intimidated and found myself crying to Dr. Chard at Laurel Pediatrics more than once. But something happened as Michael and I navigated through these new and scary waters of life.....Something formed between us that cannot be described with mere words. A depth of compassion, level of love far above what had been, and a bond beyond our previous comprehension. We were in this together. And we needed each the rest of our lives to pull this off the way we envisioned. What happened to us is an indescribable gift from God, that has strengthened as we have grown ourselves, and grown our precious family.

Having said that, there are still days where I want to make a dust cloud.....But there's something less dramatic about that kind of exit when you have to stop and put three kids in their car seats. And I am sure he'd love to spray this old trailer we live in with gravel sometimes. Perhaps marriages always have those moments. There's comfortability in his knowing that when I sneeze, I usually have to change pants. And I know when he's in the bathroom for 30 mins, that I need to close off that whole end of the trailer for a while... Dressing up? Um not really. I've been pregnant since 2007. Dressing up is feeling to make sure my shirt covers my belly at the bottom. Going out to eat? Sure.....Walker's is awesome and Twiggy's here in Sandersville has a great burger and neither place complains when your baby screams or your toddler spills their drink. Going to a movie? Well, kind of. The movie comes to us and if we're lucky, we make it all the way through without falling asleep on the couch. Partying? Just the kind with balloons and jump houses. Quiet time? Well, if I sit in his lap or if he lays his head in mine, we're both usually tackled by one or all of our girls. They giggle as they bounce on us. We look at each other and have an unspoken moment of understanding. Then we tickle away and really get 'em giggling. Alone time? There's usually a small window after the last lil girl goes to sleep, before the first lil girl wakes up and comes running back down the hall. That's when we get a little alone time.....And you live and learn to make the most of your small windows. Hugs and kisses? Constantly. Hand holding? Absolutely (if we have a free one). See, the thing about marriage (ours anyway) is that comfortability doesn't have to replace passion. But the two joining together is priceless. Things between us definitely changed over the years..... Someone on the outside might say differently. But from the inside, where Michael and I reside....We say it changed for the better.

So there you have it. The evolution of mine and Michael's relationship. It started sweet, but man, it's so much sweeter now. Here's to the next 8.....


Oh yeah, and for the record, I love those overalls and that big '70's stache.