The Water

As you know, yesterday marked a year since my mom went to Heaven. So, yesterday I stood in front of my church and announced that I would someday do the same. I thought I would be nervous about the crowd. I wasn't. I thought that it would be a simple thing that was just symbolic-- It wasn't. I stepped over in the water and sat down. The water was warm to my skin. My heart was at home. Even my body felt right at home in that water. I can't explain it. It is just water, right? Wrong. It was much, much more. Brother Robby asked me my reasons, "Because Jesus saved me", I replied. Then I followed in the footsteps of countless Christians before me. It's amazing to think that even Jesus, himself was baptized just as I was yesterday.....Who am I to deserve to participate in a tradition so incredibly special? In a way, I was star struck---but far, far beyond what that word could describe. I became a part of a rich and spectacular history the moment I entered that water. There are no words to describe to you the beauty of washing away my sins and being brand new for my God.....  Though I gave my heart to Jesus over a year ago, I felt His power and love in that water yesterday. When I came up out of the water, the smile forced it's way onto my face. My heart was full yet very, very light. As the water dripped away, tears of joy began to stream my face. The old me died and the new me was born out of that water. I am new, I am cleansed, I am saved.

I am not the person that will just force my beliefs on anyone else. But, it is my duty as your friend, and as a Christian to share this with you. If your heart is dark and heavy, if you are angry and bitter, if you feel like something is missing, if you feel alone and scared, then you and me once had a lot in common. I was once so lost..... But just like me, you too can be found. You can brighten the darkness and lighten the load on your heart. You can dispose of your anger and bitterness, and move forward free of it's grip on your life. You can wash away your past, and go forth with a bright future. You can fill the void. You can know without a doubt that you are never alone and place your fears on Him. You can be saved. All you have to do is seek it, and ask God for it, and it is yours.... It's literally that easy. None of us really deserve for it to be that it easy, but thank God it is. Need help with that first step? So did I. Just find a church close to home and sit in on a sermon. Or if you live close to me, I'd love for you to come sit with me at Journey.

Doubters, nonbelievers and skeptics, you must believe me. I get that you have a lot of questions that can't be answered. We all do. But you will never tell me that this isn't real, when I can pin point the day, the moment, the second that Jesus conquered my heart...You can't tell me it didn't happen....Because I felt it happen. I felt it emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally---and every other way possible...  And I have been living in His light ever since. You may not can put your eyes on God, but you can put your eyes on me....And He lives in me now.

My life is changed so beautifully.......You can change yours too......What do you have to lose?

One Year

Dear Mama,

The days leading up to today have been rough. The realization that it has been an entire year since I saw you and heard your voice is setting in, and quite frankly it has been tearing me up. I have been trying to stay gone from home all day everyday. Just kind of going from place to place, trying to keep busy and distracted. Distraction or not, my mind has been on you and only you. Though it is so tragic, I have been thinking a lot about last year at this time. Mom, you were so pitiful. And it happened so fast. You were sick for a while, true. But the downward spiral happened WAY too fast......You were tired and sleeping a lot, but you were helping me prepare for Mili. You kept the kids when I went for my last OB appointment. We were in Wal-mart stocking up on stuff and just excited for her arrival. Of course, you were with me when I had Mili. You weren't great but we laughed and joked in the delivery room, then you helped me keep calm and breathe as Mili made her first appearance here with us. You babysat the girls while I was in the hospital. I spent that first night out of the hospital with you. You wanted me to stay there with you.You were sick and a little weak, but you were ok. I remember you going to Davids to get snacks and drinks for us. I got mad at Ronnie and Michael because they had the tv so loud that it woke the baby up. I started crying from exhaustion and hormone overload and said I was going home....You wouldn't let me. You told me that I was staying right there with you. So I did. Then I spent a couple of nights at home, but traveled to your house during the day. And I talked to you on the phone and texted you at night. Then you began to sleep more and more. So I started just staying with you all the time. When you were awake, your words began to make less and less sense. But you were still you.  I remember asking you through tears one day "mama you are very confused and I don't know what to do. You're hurting and you need your medicine, but your medicine is making you confused...Please tell me what to do." You replied sleepily "I don't know baby. I don't like feeling like this". We blamed the meds and tried to cut down on them....You stopped them completely for a day. You even told Br Robby one day in a drowsy voice "I'm trying to wean myself off of my medicine". Of course, stopping the medicine didn't work. You hurt horribly, but remained confused. I felt so bad for you. You worked so hard to clear your mind and say something that made sense. You were so strong and independent, and losing that was very hard for you. And it was hard for us to watch, too. But your body was just shutting down. The awake time became less and less and the coherent time became almost nonexistent. Then you were just gone. You were here, but not really. Your sleeping had become more of a coma like state. Seeing you like that, Mama, it haunts me to his day. Can I just be honest about something? I was relieved when you took that last breath. Not relieved for me. I was devastated for me. I was relieved for you. And, I hope you are not mad at me when I say, that a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders in that last breath. Caring for you was never a weight on me, EVER..... But seeing you that way was a torturous burden. I wanted you to feel better so desperately. And as scared as I was watching you breath your last breath---I was so relieved that you were free from your pain. The wake and the funeral were so surreal. I barely shed a tear. I was numb. I have learned since then, that I was in shock. That numbness was a survival mechanism that my body used to cope with the trauma of what just happened. When I think back to those days, my memories are in tunnel vision and people's faces are blurred and their voices do not speak real words. I was drugged by my own body. Yes we knew you were sick. We knew what was supposed to happen. But, things changed so drastically, so quickly that it was near about impossible to comprehend. I couldn't comprehend it then, and I still have trouble understanding it even now, a year later.

Do you have any idea how great you were, Mom? I often wonder if I told you enough. Mama, you were the best. I promise I am not exaggerating. The BEST. Look at all you did, Mom. Just look. I was 12 when you and Daddy divorced. You raised us single handedly after that point. You worked numerous jobs at a time. You sacrificed so much for us. When I sit and think of your life, I wonder how you were ever happy....Your life was never for you, it was always for us. Yet, you were so very happy. And you spoiled us in that sense. Because here we are, grown adults and just plain lost without you. Just as we were your everything, you were ours. You were literally the best Mom we could have ever asked for. And as a Grandma? You were even better. My kids adored you. And you adored them even more. You did all the awesome Grandma stuff. When it was just Neva, you picked her up from my old job, and y'all went to Taylorsville together. Then when Nori came along, you gave me days to spend one on one time with each of them. You kept your cabinets filled with their favorite snacks. You showed up at our house randomly with candy and yoo hoo's. You begged for them to stay with you and got way too excited about the sleepover nights. You played with them and looked for pretty rocks in the driveway. You never tired out with them. You thought they did no wrong, and found humor in their bad behavior. You got SO mad at me when I spanked, and even if I just put someone in timeout. When I try and picture life as it would have been without cancer, you are at every ball game. You are at every recital. Neva and Nori practically beg to stay with you EVERY weekend, and I have to drag them home mad sometimes. You go more and more broke every Christmas as the wants of the kids get more and more expensive. You are always around. Calling. Visiting. They have you. I have you. You talk me down when things are stressful. You laugh with me when things are crazy. You let me cry on your shoulder when I am stressed out, and then you tell me repeatedly that I am doing a good job, just to reassure me. I have my Mom and my best friend, and life is good. But, this is nothing more than a vision that plays out in my mind, and then leaves me sad and heart broken. Though we do not have you now, please never forget that you were the BEST while you were here. And you remain the best in our memories and in our hearts.

The last year has been a roller coaster ride, Mom. I mean, my life is pretty great. I have my brothers, and The Aunts and Uncle Ricky. I have my sister in laws and my mother in law and father in law. I have beautiful friends and a church family that is spectacular. I have a husband whose only flaw is he works WAY too much. I have the three prettiest, most precious, kind hearted, bad to the bone babies in the world. I have a relationship with Jesus now and my prayer life is getting stronger and stronger as I grow in my faith. I am happy beyond words. But then there's you. You're not here. And that's where the roller coaster comes in. When things are great and I'm distracted my ride is climbing to astronomical heights....Then, comes a waterfall of memories and a new first without you, and my roller coaster plummets to the ground. But, I am thankful for my life Mom. God gave me to you. And you raised me and you took care of me to the best of your ability, not so I could grieve my life away. You never wanted me to walk away from this crazy roller coaster ride called "life".  And even though there are risks and I will be fearful without you, I will face each of the dips and turns and unexpected jerks and welcome them just as I do the smoothness of the ride when things are going great. Life may be an unpredictable roller coaster, but I am thankful for the ride.

I love you so much. Please know that. Please never forget it.

All my heart, Bushel and a Peck, Hug around the Neck......


Love,

Nikki


PS. Hope you like your gifts that we sent you tonight.. I am sad you left us a year ago, but I am glad that you are in Heaven, happy and healthy and perfect, watching over us and waiting patiently until the day we are together again.  What a glorious day that will be...

 

 

Moment of Truth

There is a defining moment in every relationship, where the unintentionally hidden truth is revealed. Pent up anger is unleashed. Unspoken feelings are verbalized. Some bridges are crossed, and others are burned to the ground.  In that moment, that defining, relationship changing moment, you can choose to walk away from the pain and cut all ties. Or, you can state your case, hear the other case and move forward having grown even closer. Disagreeing over something that's pretty significant--that's a deal breaker, right? Or is it possible to agree to disagree? Which will it be? 

I'm going to be blunt. The last few days have been horrible. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I am a freaking mess. This is all new. Since December, I have been doing pretty darn good. See, Sunday is the 17th, and that will be exactly one year since mom died. If I made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays--you wouldn't think that something as simple as the 'official one year mark' would be so painful--but it's straight up killing me. I cannot describe to you how devastated I am. I am hoping that just like all the other firsts, I will bounce back when this passes.

Here I am looking at my brothers and thinking how great they appear to be doing, and wondering why I seem so much weaker. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Am I throwing myself a pity party? Why am I a mess, and they seem fine? Well today, I learned a valuable lesson. Something I THOUGHT I knew, but actually did not understand at all. I thought I knew that people heal in different ways, and at different rates. But today, as I was trying to push a big family gathering for the 17th on to my brothers--it was brought to my attention that I am not respecting the way that they are healing. I just assumed a big family gathering would be the fix all remedy for each of us. And I never once really consulted with them. Until today. Turns out, this has been a pretty bad week for Ronnie too. He is emotional and though he likes the idea, he fears just how badly a candle light vigil would hurt. And Josh would prefer to ignore what it is that Sunday signifies and spend time with his wife and kids. My brothers haven't miraculously healed from mom's loss. They are just as sad and upset as me. They are just handling their emotions differently.

See, this is MY blog....So y'all that stop by here and read MY words, get to hear MY side, MY actions when mom was sick and after she passed. MY feelings, MY fears, and MY ranting. And everything I say is from my heart--you can believe that. But, I would just like to take a minute to recognize my brothers and my take on their part in all this.

Ronnie is a big ole teddy bear. Sometimes I want to kick him right in the face, but that's a normal feeling to have toward a big brother, right?  He and mom had a relationship that was very different from mine and hers. Out of the three of us, I think she had the most fun with him. I think they were very alike. They were always going antiquing or just riding and looking at houses...You know that's when the best time is spent together....Just riding and talking. I loved to hear them going back and forth and throwing the most hilarious sarcastic comments at each other. Ronnie is quick...I can never keep up in the wisecrack department. She couldn't either, though she gave him a good run. She had this amazing ability to laugh at herself. He ALWAYS made her laugh at herself. I'd probably get mad or my feelings hurt, at stuff she would just be dying laughing at. They had a very fun bond....Every time I turned around, I was calling her and they would be on their way to Hattiesburg, or running to town to get some supper. He was a grown man, but her baby none the less. He would call her out when she mispronounced words, which was always. I could never call her out. I just let her call it "Mi CaNsitas"....She was quick to call him out on his attitude, too. When mom was in her last stages of cancer he changed. Used to he was the guy that walked in the room and said "Nik, when are y'all leaving?" just to get a rise out of me. But, in the end, he got softer. Instead, he would walk in the room and hug me. He got more responsible. He changed into a completely different person. He aged a couple decades, in just a couple months. I think we all kind of did. But his was quite the transformation. I was with her during the day, but there are things he listened to at night, that I will never be able to fathom. The coughing, the vomiting, the moaning in pain in her sleep. When she grew too confused to understand that she needed medicine, he took that responsibility on himself. As a son, he was a champion taking care of his mom. His efforts would rival that of the best nurse out there. After she passed, he felt like he had to take on the role of fireman.....Careful to put out any potential fires in our family--before they flamed too high. And, though I didn't realize it, he felt it was his responsibility to remain emotionless and keep everyone strong. Out of the two of my brothers, I always felt that he was most in touch with his feelings....But it is amazing what an older sibling will hide to protect his younger siblings. Today, we had a groundbreaking conversation, and a lot of things were brought to light. And I can say with all of my heart that my big brother is an amazing, amazing man.

Josh....Joshy, Josh, Josh. I never really want to kick Josh in the face. But I do get mad at him like 10 times a day. He, too, is quick witted and super sarcastic. He has the sickest, most hilarious sense of humor...The kind of stuff that you feel guilty laughing at, but you can't help it. I always thought Josh could lighten any mood and was just the absolute life of the party. He was mom's B-A-B-Y. That woman would have given anything to make him happy when he was growing up. And after he was grown. She thought everything he did was hilarious and was positive he hung the moon. She would GO OFF on me and Ronnie in a heart beat, if she thought we had hurt the feelings of her precious Josh, even as adults. Out of the three of us she was the most protective of him. This song always reminded me of them. She would say things like "Josh is sensitive", or "He doesn't like questions" to ward me and Ronnie off, and we would just laugh at his ability to wrap her right around his little finger. She bragged on how loving he was, and that he didn't mind saying "I love you" even in front of all his buddies. When Mom got sick, Josh became very introverted. It was obvious that he was handling this thing very different from me. I had strong opinions in the beginning, as did Ronnie. Josh? He was "keep the peace" neutral-guy. Where as Ronnie and I feared what was coming and verbalized it often, he NEVER spoke of what might come and shied away from the conversation every time. And while I feel Ronnie and I grew closer through this time, Josh's silence pulled him away from me. He was quiet, and a bit withdrawn. And with each bit of bad news, or each decline in health--you could see the pain on his sweet face.  Where as I did better when I wasn't alone, he seemed to prefer his privacy. He was at mom's house everyday. He talked to her every day. And from what I understand, he and mom shared some beautiful conversations. But, for the most part--Josh kept his feelings to himself. My mama was so proud of him when he landed a new job. But he was scared it would pull him away from her during such a critical time. Luckily, there were no big travel jobs before mom passed....Little jobs here and there took him away a couple days at a time, but in his absence, his beautiful wife Amber took his role as caregiver. And she, too, would put some of the greatest nurses to shame with the love and care she gave my mom. I wanted him to talk so badly through mom's fight, but that day didn't come until way later. One day, in the end, he finally broke down and cried on my shoulder. I wanted to take his pain, but I was glad he was finally expressing it--and expressing it to me. After her passing, I felt Josh handled it the best. But, secretly I wondered if he was handling it at all. I found out today that he is handling it....Once again, just very different from me. And that's ok. Not everyone can handle loss in a cookie cutter way. "Nikki's Way" isn't the universal way. I am so very proud of him and the great talk that we had today. I also was told by my little brother, that he loved me with every bit of his heart.

Mom is gone, and she can't play referee to us anymore. She can't explain Ronnie's side to me, and defend Josh's opinion and calm me down when I am overreacting. We are slowly learning to handle these things on our own. And after a year, we now know that keeping it in isn't the right way. We have to talk these things out. I have to tell you, losing a parent has the potential to tear siblings slam apart. It's really, really hard. But my mom raised us better than that. My brothers and I fell apart this week. And you know, I don't think that is a horrible thing. I cried the better part of today. Ive been in a yelling match today. I have been put in my place today. I stated my case and listened to others today. I apologized, and received apologies. There were a lot of bridges crossed and not a single one burned. We will move forward from this day closer than ever, and with a better understanding of each other's ways and feelings. We have got some rough days ahead, and Sunday is going to be tough....Really, really tough..... But, I know without a doubt that I have a family to lean on, and they know that they can always lean on me. We will face the 17th how each of us sees fit, and not how one of us declares is best. I will always accept them for being unique, and practically the opposite of me.....There has never been a moment of truth more signifcant, than the moment you realize how great it is to disagree. I know Mama is proud.

Parties, Dinners and Gatherings--Oh My!

It's hard to believe that it's been a year since I held this tiny little bundle of joy....

 

And without my realizing it, she became this toddler-like

bundle of fun. (Notice her first ponytail)

 

Although the family did get together at Shipley's we didn't go all out with a huge party....

 

Instead we put our effort into a food drive for the Christian Food Mission! It was a great success! Thanks to everyone who donated!

Since I wasn't really doing much for my baby girl, I wanted to get her a nice cake. Ina Knotts made this food themed cake for us, though she is in the middle of opening a cafe. Everyone complimented on how adorable it was!

Mili reached for the flame on the candle....I don't know why we're laughing about it, actually.

 

I've come to terms with the fact that there WILL never be a perfect picture of my family. EVER.

While I was setting up the food, Michael's "girls" (his employees) helped me out and kept an eye on my girls.....Even though Mili had this cute little smash cake, she barely touched it cause they had filled her up with donuts! 

 

 

 

Me, Kristen, and Aunt Sharon

Mili and Uncle Kandy

Aunt Teresa (who is just the best party help ever, and one of the Neva's most favorite people), and Nay Nay

 

Lil Payton is two weeks younger than Mili...She was practically running around the party the other night, as Mili crawled and ruined the knees of her pants.

The usual crew was there!

Linda had 3 of her grand babies! She lined em' up in highchairs, got em fed, and handled the chaos better than I do with my own three!

 

 

Aunt Punk was there...But she was quiet. I found out later that my mom, or her absence, was weighing heavily on Punk.

Mili had a lot of great friends pay her a visit!

Even though she was too ill and sleepy to smile for them.

 

It was a great party! My tired little baby slept extra sound that night....

 

 

Next came

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!

My big brother has been a DIE hard 49ers fan as far back as I can remember! He passed it down to Josh as well......So there was no thinking about it, I was definitely rooting for San Francisco (They said I couldn't come if I was rooting for anyone else).......

Momentum was high! Though the first part of the game didn't look so good....

 

We started packing up to leave around half time, and this was the scene....

 

Me and Amber had a great time!

 

The kids had a good time too! And from what I hear the second half of the game was a real nail biter.....Ronnie didn't stay depressed but a couple of days after the big loss. He's better now.

 

We have been visiting Nay Nay and Paw Paw a lot.... 

It amazes me that I have three little girls that can play the piano at the same time....

 

And the South Mississippi Winter has been rather enjoyable with the Spring-type days that have been sprinkled in here and there. We've been spending a lot of time outside....

Neva is constantly picking me flowers and drawing me pictures.

She looks like such a big girl.....

 

Mili waving to the camera!

and showing me her signature move!

My babies!

Nori blowing out the candles on her actual birthday...

 

We met up with Melissa and Tanya for lunch again.... I love these girls...

Tanya was close with my mom, and she just gobbles up my kids when she sees them. I love it.

 

Finally came the much anticipated Rock Star Party...It's all I've heard from Nori for the better part of 6 months. Somewhere along the line it changed from "tea party" to "Rockstar Party"...Either way, Nori was insanely excited... 

Mili and Nori's birthdays are 4 days apart--( I know bad planning on our part) So, exactly one week after Mili's lil party, we had Nori's....

Shipley's is my go-to party spot....We brought music and a little stage that Michael made and it was a rockin' lil party!

 

homemade karaoke

We had a rock n roll tattoo parlor and hair station so that all of our guests could look the part!

 

Baby Nori coming home from the hospital...

 

1st Birthday princess party! 

2nd Birthday Dora Party!

I cannot believe how grown up and beautiful she is.

Me and my babies!

Nori is Pawpaw's girl!

 

The kids loved singing and dancing...It was loud and crazy!

Gorgeous.....If I do say so myself.....

Jennifer and Mohawk Mili

 

Notice the crowd in the back.....My family and Michael's family won't miss a party.....

 

This is Michaels standard outfit. Work outfit. Walmart outfit. Supper at Walker's outfit. And on this night, Hillbilly Rock outfit.

 

Mohawk Mili was exhausted again....She slept good after this party too....

 

The next day Ronnie invited everyone to lunch at Leatha's....

When the waitress asked Nori what she wanted "chicken strips, corndog,...." Nori responded "bones. I want bones" (bones are ribs).

Delicious doesn't begin to cover it...

 

Lots of fun things...I love every second of it...But, I think this picture of Mili says it all.

 

 Pooped.